Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?