Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

Is there another word for synonym?