Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.
If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.