Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Is there another word for synonym?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.