Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!