Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."