Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.