Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?