Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

"No comment" is a comment.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.