Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.