Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.