Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Fuck rational thought.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.