Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

"No comment" is a comment.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Fuck rational thought.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.