Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

"No comment" is a comment.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.