Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".