Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.