Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Fuck rational thought.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.