Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.