Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.