Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.