Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.