Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.