Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always do whatever's next

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.