Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 30
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.