Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 30

Twat is twat and that is that.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.