Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.