Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Hooray for most things!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.