Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."