Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 32
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.
They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?