Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 32

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.