Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.