Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.