Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Everything beeps now.