Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.