Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.