Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!