Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.