Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.