Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.