Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?