Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.