Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.