Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!