Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Take my wife... Please!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

What is a home without children? Quiet.