Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"