Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

Take my wife... Please!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".