Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"