Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!