Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.