Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

What is a home without children? Quiet.