Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"