Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

Take my wife... Please!

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.