Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.