Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Take my wife... Please!

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.