Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"