Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'
Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.