Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

He who limps is still walking.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.