Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.