Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.