Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.