Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'