Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'