Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'