Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."