Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I was not an attractive child.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I just love acting.

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'