Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.