Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?