Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 6

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.