Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.