Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

I think; therefore I worry.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

I'm a cautious pessimist.