Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 14

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I'm a cautious pessimist.

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.