Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

I people-please everyone but myself.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

The more you want the less you get.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.