Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

I people-please everyone but myself.

The more you want the less you get.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.