Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

I people-please everyone but myself.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.