Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'