Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.