Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.
We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.
If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.
I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.
My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.
My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.
My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.