Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

I thrive on imperfection.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.