Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

Don't take death for granted.