Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Don't take death for granted.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.