Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.

I people-please everyone but myself.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.