Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.