Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.