Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 5

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.

I can't sleep because I keep dreaming that I'm me...

I'm looking forward to yesterday.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.