Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 6

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

I already wish I could relive my future.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.