Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

The monkey on my back is me.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.