Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.