Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.