Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."