Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!