Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.