Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.