Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".