Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.