Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I have three kids, one of each.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.