Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I have three kids, one of each.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"