Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.