Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.