Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.