Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.