Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I have three kids, one of each.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.