Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.