Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.