Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.