Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.