Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.