Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.