Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.