Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!