Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."