Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'