Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.