Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.