Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.