Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.