Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.