Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.