Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!