Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!