Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.