Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.