Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.