Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.