Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.