Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.