Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.