Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.