Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.