Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.