Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.