Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.