Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.