Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.