Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.