Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."