Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".