Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.