Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.