Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!