Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.