Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.