Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.