Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.