Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.